Our basic BUADV curriculum; The “Peace” Pie
Since men are the majority perpetrators of domestic violence, it is important that we address a preventative strategy directed at helping them to learn skills in 5 basic areas to aid in self-control and positive behaviors.
The Peace Pie is made up of the following 5 elements for attitude and behavior changes:
- Take Responsibility – This means that a man cannot live in “domestic violence denial.” He must first accept that what he did was wrong rather than passing it off as a right way to demand respect or compliance. Clare Murphy PhD writes, “Denial entails acting as if he has not been abusive, not been controlling, not caused any harm. Therefore he believes there is nothing to be responsible and accountable for.” (https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/denial-minimising-blaming) A man should never use violence unless he is protecting his family or in self defense.
- Use Good Communication Skills – Brothers should understand the need to articulate feelings as a vital “Piece of the Peace Pie.” An important element of the horror of domestic violence is built around the frustration of the inability to articulate feelings, especially for many men. They may feel that they have an inferior vocabulary or difficulty processing thoughts and may have trouble expressing themselves.
- Anger Management- A man needs to be able to handle his basic anger. Anger is an emotion found in every domestic violence case. Understanding the triggers that ignites, fuels, or de-fuels your anger is key. It is different for each person.
- Conflict Management- Growing up, many people have not been taught the skill of conflict management. They may have only seen screaming or yelling during conflicts between their parents. If a person have never learned how to have a verbal exchange of opposing viewpoints with another person without getting angry, it is unlikely that they will be able to during a conflict.
- Unconditional Love- Many women suffer with loving their mates through physical violence, extramarital affairs and other issues. Most men don’t have that ability to love unconditionally, and must be taught. Some men say they love the woman they are with and it is that love that causes them to be violent. True love never tries to hurt the person they love. We call this the spiritual piece of the pie!
How To Cook Your Peace Pie
Just like a delicious apple or peach pie, your “Peace Pie” can be an incredible delight or a complete disaster. There are three things that can interfere with your Peace Pie during the baking process:
*Too much of the wrong Ingredients. Too much of anything can hinder the best of everything. Addiction, mental illness and family dysfunction can be a part of any relationship but if there is too much or it is out of control, it can have some extremely negative results.
*Proper cooking time. It takes time to allow the “Peace Pie” to be ready to be served. You can’t quit the process when you start feeling the heat. Be patient! On the other hand, it can’t stay in the oven too long. Too much heat for too long can burn up and destroy what could have been the “Peace Pie.”
*Visually check on your pie. All good cooks know that you have check on your dish from time to time while it’s cooking. Don’t assume that this is an automatic process. You must monitor your progress and make adjustments when necessary. Keep a journal of some kind. The first page of your journal should note what your uncooked pie looked like. Your starting point is your “baseline.” From there you can note the ups and downs of your relationship and discuss it weekly.